Stoic in the Sheets

Whilst in the chambers of your sexdom, erase the false impressions from your mind by constantly saying to yourself:
I have it in my soul to keep out any evil, desire, or any kind of disturbances such as sounds of false vagina farts and belly skin slaps —INSTEAD , I see the true nature of things, and I will give them only their due. For an O face is the goal. Always remember this power that nature gave you.

—Vanessa Morgensternalus, Beditations Book 1

In pursuance of my goal tethering Stoicism and sex, another part of our life where philosophy can offer up its medicine, I can see how it might sound questionable at first. If it were me 6 years ago and say I came across a passage in an erotic novel describing a Stoic woman trying to get down—I  would totally think it would sound something like :

 “She had a Stoic way about her in the bedroom.

As he looked up at her

he couldn’t help but notice a dead-like stare.

Her moaning, insensible.


Uh. Uh. Uh.”


But, knowing what I know today. It is nothing like that. Instead, I would expect it to read a little something something like this:


“As he looked up from beneath her,

He wasn’t sure if he could hold back

The slow sway of her hips —controlled

Her pulse wild.

Her body wet, exuding erotic charge

She cried out of liberation. He released

It was the hottest thing he ever experienced”


Okay so erotica is not my forte, but lucky for you comedy is. My point was he got off from her confidence.

Thanks to continuous studies, the space we make today for women to speak openly about their sexual experiences, and television series like Showtimes 2013 “Masters of Sex”, we are learning real science behind female sexuality, leaving old assumptions behind. There is no truth behind the assumption that women enjoy sex less than men (scoff). It’s that we have a difference in approach. Just like in the office. Just like at home. We do it differently. 

As I continue through this very vulnerable, intimate, and mortifying confessional piece of mine, within the next few minutes I would like to drop some sexual science, shedding light on how sex is more than just physical for women, my own personal hangup, and how having a Stoical approach may just work for you too. And if at the end of this you end up saying WTF, then at least I hope I make you laugh. My biggest goal here really—is to just connect with you.  

Being Stoic in the sheets is an idea. Its bringing philosophy to the bedroom. Keeping false impressions out of our heads. Combatting all distractions, disturbances, and annoyances. To recognize when Ego is fucking with us and magnifies the areas where we feel “bad” or “ugly” about ourselves, with the assurance that only WE SEE those things, not our partners. Because the more we get into our heads, the more we prefer to be alone in our beds.  

More than ever, people are seeking cognitive-behavioral techniques (CBT) and more mindfulness-based therapy sessions to address their “problems” in the bedroom. These advances in treatment for people with certain sexual dysfunctions are proving to be very effective. In alignment with Stoic philosophy, CBT emphasizes on logical thinking, recognizing distorted belief systems (or false impressions), and work towards modifying underlying thought patterns that can very well mess up ones sex sesh.

In my half-ass attempt to create a book club with a very close girlfriend of mine, by chance we started with, Emily Nagoski’s book “Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life”.

Faaaaaarrrrr from the philosophical, self-help, self-development, fix my ass now type books that I read, I was quite surprised to find a good amount of vagazzled gems of knowledge that helped me to modify my own underlying ridiculous thought pattern. One that I never thought could be amended no matter how much philosophy I applied towards it.

To offer you a quick summary (as I am working on bringing you a full book review later) in her book, this psychologist and sex educator, shares groundbreaking science that further confirms how sex really is psychologically based, most specifically for us gals. She touched on stress and its impact, anxiety, depression, relationship problems, and even physical deterrents with a large number of women pointing towards pain to be the cause of their low sex drive.

She even discusses turn-ons and turn-offs and the impacts of their roles. Using the metaphor of having an acceleration/brake system like a car, she dives into deep detail of the mechanism in our brains that either says YUM, or that says HEEEEELLLL NO! NOT HOT! ABORT ABORT!

My two big takeaways from her book were how the context of my day ABSOLUTELY plays a role in my sex drive.

FLASHBACK: Most recently I remember I had juuuuuuussst enough energy left at the end of the day, and I was doing my little Beavis and Butthead dance, dry humping and smacking air, thinking after my child goes down: BOW CHICKA WOW WOW. And then the next thing you know I was crying, fishing poop clumps out of the bathtub waving my white flag (This is the second article about my son pooping in another body of water).

I was emotionally drained, totally grossed out, and preferred to stay at my pity party over the boom boom room.

The second takeaway was about my brake system. There are numerous amounts of things that turn people off, but the ones that take the lead for females are smells, sights……….and sounds.

OH MY GAWD, THE SOUNDS… make them stop!!!!! Okay, people. Here it is.  TMI and consider this your warning, let’s take a stroll down the corridor of what happens after the noises from the bed turn into noises in my head!  

 My head: oh yeah, oh yeah, I like that, I like this, I ……


 “Oh my god. Did that come from me? It’s not a fart. IT’S NOT A FART. Does he think it’s a fart? What’s going on with his face? Well, I guess that’s his normal face –but is he smirking.”


 “Oh the horror!!! Why is he not laughing? I am about to laugh. Don’t laugh, DON’T LAUGH. But I must. Ok stop.  Serious face right now.”


 “Huh, this is starting to sound like a beet. I wonder if I recorded this noise if I could beat box to it later.”

 So then here’s my sweet husband “you good babe, you finish?”

My response “Yea, soooo you didn’t hear all of that? And if you did it’s not my stomach. I don’t have to go to the bathroom even. Its science and science says I have a vagina which is a hole-shaped body part and during intercourse, liiiiitle puffs of air are forced into……”


 He knows how it works. So I am basically explaining it to myself for some sort of confirmation that it is a part of my body that I cannot control. And believe me, I have tried which has led to even more horrific sessions. 

If I thought another position would make it stop, it would only make it louder. The louder it gets the more I pull myself away from an activity that bonds us as a couple. That I truly enjoy! An activity that reconnects our souls. Instead, my facial expressions got me looking like this:

·       I am either closing my eyes so tight hoping I disappear –PROBABLY LOOKING LIKE IM PURPOSELY PUSHING SOUNDS OUT HARDER

·       I am wanting to spit laugh which will cause a spray to his face (not hot)

·       or I find myself just staring at him oddly like a weirdo trying to make out the corners of his mouth waiting to see if he too is close to laughing.

From practicing Stoicism for a few years now I am totally aware of the shit that goes down in my head, especially during sex. Working on my self-esteem and insecurities has been a process, and it is forever a constant. For the most part, I have gotten pretty good at recognizing how and when my insecurities want to ensue (always at the worst times) but in my journey of self-love I have been successful in banishing some insecurities altogether and for the others that stick around, I have enough control in not fully feeding into them, especially when in the moment.

Bringing philosophy into the bedroom and practiced enough, you too can gain control in being able to redirect and rewire your thoughts. Now maybe you cannot redirect a queff. There is just no way to rewire physical sounds coming out ya vague. For such distractions like that you just need to look at things from a much higher standpoint. A new angle.  

Here’s my angle: Men, are noisemakers. All-day. Everyday. They snore at night. They belch when they are full of drink or food. They fart when they pee, they fart when they poop. They fart when they are driving.

I could go on forever.

You’re probably naming other times that they fart that I missed. So my point is, they do it so much it’s not weird. It’s not gross. It’s not taboo—to them. Unpleasant noises aren’t even unpleasant to men because they do not restrict themselves or their bodily functions accepting it’s a part of life.

As for women, we restrict ourselves, and not always publicly but in our thoughts for sure. Thoughts like “I can’t eat that much in front of them” or “yikes, I’m making so much noise on the toilet right now, I should turn the faucet on. He won’t know”. And what about the secret desires we have like “I could totally hot box him right now” or “you know how funny it would be to just fart in his face as he follows me up the stairs?” I’m not saying I think those thoughts—I’m just saying.  As females we deny. Deflect. Block. We restrict ourselves in more ways than men.

A lot of how we feel about ourselves as women are the result of cultural conditioning. We feel it in the workplace, we feel it in our homes, out in public, and it’s at its strongest sense when we are being intimate with someone, sharing ourselves. In my own upbringing with my mother it was pounded into my head that women were princesses and all of life’s normal bodily functions were okay –but for men only. Not females. If I were to allow my body to be my body, I’d be without a husband.

Until I came across this new angle thing, there were times that I wished that being Stoic in the sheets really did mean being an emotionless sex robot. Numb to sights, scents, and sounds. Honestly! BUT, as I move forward in my lifelong practice of working on myself and with a new angle here and there, I am appreciating the gems found along the way, the challenges presented, and the hilariousness of it all.  

In conclusion, with Stoical vibes sent your way, and warm wishes to follow you during your next trip to pound town, I leave you with a real quote –the one that inspired my little  remix above:

Erase the false impressions from your mind by constantly saying to yourself, I have it in my soul to keep out any evil, desire or any kind of disturbance —instead, seeing the true nature of things, I will give them only their due. Always remember this power that nature gave you

 —Marcus Aurelius

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