A Prayer for 2022

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.”

Serenity Prayer

It is January, again. Another 365 days have passed and not much has changed in my life. Actually, that’s a lie. Let’s see, I’m pretty sure I had Covid in January 2021, and then my brother, mother, sister, niece, and nephew all got Covid 2 months later that March; landing my brother, mother, and sister in the hospital within two days of each other.

My siblings recovered and made it back home after a short stint in the hospital. My mother ended up staying in for 3 weeks and miraculously came home without the need of an oxygen tank or physical therapy. They said it was miraculous. Yet, 3 weeks to the day after being home she ended up back in the hospital with complications from Covid and barely made it a week until her body lost the fight.  She never came home. She died April, 19th on a Monday at 4:52pm.

April through November: Bluuuuuuur.

Those events were external. When I say not much has changed in my life I should have clarified I meant inwardly. My goals, my aspirations. So here I am –January 2022. I sit in the same circumstances as I did in January 2021. Jobless, with my dream of a writing career that I am going to MAKE happen no matter what. But I didn’t. I didn’t even post 1 article on my blog last year.  “But you’re mom died” I can hear you say now. And that’s a good point. But, taking a year off my life doesn’t get me any closer to where I want to be.

But what about 2020? In January I was uber ready. I had my box full of index cards on Stoic topic, exercises and viewpoints ready to spit out consistently. Sure, my toddler is a handful and it is hard for me to find time to write in blocks but challenge accepted! I’ll just write in little increments here or there. I was exercising, waking up early, following ever 4 Minute, 4 Hour , do this instead of that self-help book I could find so I was in routine. It was planned! Annnnnnnd theeeeen Covid happened March 2020. Shiiiaaaaaat. Fuck. Damn! My schedule was off wack. My baby was off wack. My husband…you get the point.  

I made it a few weeks keeping to my “weekend only” drink limit and wake up early for my “me time”.  My healthy routine out the window. The world got scary and people got crazy. I created a new “imma do me routine” just to lighten up the mood of the world in my head. Cooking dinner every night with a bottle of wine and dancing around the kitchen was my new exercise. 2020 goals – They Gon! “But Covid threw a lot of people off their normal track. Don’t be so hard on yourself” .” I hear you say.

Okay, Ill see your point and raise you another. January 2019. You see the consistent trend here? That too started off to be a good year. I had all the tools necessary going into that year (Quick catch up: I was struggling in 2018, surprise surprise, so that’s when I started practicing Stoicism). So once again my morning routine down pact. I felt good, I fucking looked good. I thought “My baby is healthy, my older son is having the best year in the entirety of his school career” and so it felt like a good time to focus on my next career move. I had started meddling with the idea of doing something other than planning events. With my confidence built from starting my own business and all the gems that experience brought my way, I wanted to reach for something higher. Hello, month of March. See the trend? The month of March paralyzed me. In the wee hours of the night or 12am to be exact, on my oldest son’s 16th birthday, the cops showed up at my door to arrest him for an alleged threat “made by him” about taking a gun to school. I could not keep up with my healthy routine habits while keeping my head and mentality straight. I can now recognize that I was in the infancy stages of clarity. I could not juggle the power of perception, the ability to use an objective eye and hold my emotions at bay. So there was no fucking way I was waking up early to exercise or eat good nutritious meals. Things were so heavy I needed a cheeseburger and a thick dark beer for a few minutes of comfort.

Luckily (I say that lightly) It turned out to be a cyber bully prank –my child being the punchline. It took so many weeks to get things straight, get him BACK into school, and I know he is left with a scar over all of that forever. The rest of 2019…just a miserable blur.

Now that Ive given you my excuse resume listing the last 3 years of my life story and obstacles (that I have used as excuses) , let me get to the point of all of this. Am I hard on myself? At times I can be and I recognize how calling hardships “excuses” may seem a little harsh. But in looking at my last three years—if  annual hardships are my fate—then I need to change some shit around in my head because I WILL NEVER reach my desired results. Not in my weight, not in my work…no where.  Acceptance now. Courage now. Wisdom now. “I don’t do prayers. I don’t believe in God. That’s a prayer for addicts.” Forget semantics. If you are not a religious person that’s okay. If you are not an addict that’s more than okay.  Don’t let those blocks stop you from absorbing the core of that message.

That prayer is everything and my greatest tool for 2022. Shit happens, man! It does and I have no doubt just like me if you sit down and trace back the last few years of your life you will see that there was a centerpiece of an event that plopped on your table and fucked some shit up. Some events are worse than others and yes of course, there must be some adjustments made, time for grief, a search for reprieve. But then you have to get back to it. To that thing, that goal, that aspiration that you find yourself wanting so badly every year accept you just cant quite reach it cause your world got turnt up. Or down. Upside down. Whatever.  

Days are going by. Time passes anyways. Shit gonna happen. Circumstances are inanimate. Events don’t care. They aren’t trying to sabotage you. They are a part of life. Rethink how you are going to play this game Princess Peach (clearly a reference to my age, HA)  Really sink into the message of the Serenity Prayer. Pocket this puppy as your affirmation for this next year. Understand what you actually can control, and DO NOT (try not) to get carried away by the things you simply cannot control. Make shit happen, Girl!  

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